Nothing to sneeze at
by Hendiadys
Summary: chapter 5 added! What if Anya’s very direct way of speaking were suddenly very contagious? When all the Scoobies turn into Anyas, chaos insues.
1. It never rains but it pours

Title: Nothing to sneeze at

Author: Hendiadys (hendiadys146@yahoo.com)

Rating: PG-13

Disclaimer: I don't own anything except a crappy computer and a weird fantasy

Spoilers: Season 4; the story could have taken place after "Buffy vs. Dracula"

Summary: What if Anya's very direct way of speaking were suddenly very contagious? When all the Scoobies turn into Anyas, chaos insues. 

Feedback: Always appreciated! 

Special thanks: To my beta Hazmat 

A/N: This is dedicated to my beloved sister, who is the funniest person I know. I hope we will keep on laughing together a very long time!

Chapter 1 – It never rains but it pours

It all really began one afternoon on an unnaturally rainy day. 

Dawn was sitting at the large table in the Magic Box, her homework in front of her. Although she was supposed to already have finished, all she had done by then was doodle on a piece of paper and listen to the heavy rain pounding on the roof and against the windows in a drum-like noise. She enjoyed the bad weather; it was so rare in Sunnydale. 

Buffy and Giles were training in the back room and neither of them had been checking on Dawn so far to see if she was progressing. This in itself was very weird because Buffy was usually so protective of her sister that sometimes it made Dawn want to scream. 

Well, strictly speaking, she wasn't alone. But she doubted Xander would be of help if some monster decided to raid the Magic Box, looking for human prey. Sitting next to her, he was snoring peacefully, his head on the table. Dawn was rather glad he hadn't used one of her text books as a pillow because he was drooling excessively onto the arm he had laid his head on. 

Dawn grinned at the sight next to her. Then she checked if there were still fighty noises coming from the back room. Yep, Giles's moans of pain indicated that the two of them were sparring at the moment. Relieved, Dawn continued her meditating – as she referred to it secretly – and stared out of a window.

Just when she was about to doze off, the front door was suddenly flung open and Anya stormed in. Disturbed by the unexpected noise, Xander gave a short irregular snort, but kept sleeping.

Dawn watched in astonishment as Anya hastily closed the door after herself hastily and leaned against it for a moment to catch her breath. She was soaked through from head to toe, her hair hanging in unattractive wet tendrils from her head. The rain must have caught her by surprise because she wore merely a short dress and a pair of sandals and had obviously not had an umbrella with her. Now she was shivering and trying to wring the water out of her hair. When she saw that Dawn was watching her, she stopped, straightened herself and walked over to the table, leaving watery footprints on the floor.

"Hello, Dawn. Nice day, isn't it?" she asked, without any sarcasm.

"Er… no, actually, it's been raining cats and dogs for two hours now. And you don't seem to have such a nice day yourself," Dawn replied in a patient voice. 

Anya looked offended. "It's not very nice of you to make an offhand remark about my appearance and thus insulting me implicitly, young lady," she scolded, sounding a little bit hysterical.

Dawn shot her an incredulous look and was about to say something, but then just rolled her eyes and directed her thoughts back onto her books. She knew better than to get involved in a discussion with Anya which wouldn't lead to anything anyway.

Meanwhile, Anya had sat down next to Xander and was now trying to get him to wake up. "Xander, wake up at once!" she said shrilly, patting him impatiently on the back. "This is so typical of him," she announced, looking at Dawn, "He's so insensitive sometimes. How can he be sleeping now that I need him so badly?"

"Oh, I see…" Dawn realized where the situation was heading. "Not to be impolite again, but if you were planning to discuss your sex life with Xander after he woke up, I'd rather leave and bore myself to death watching Buffy training." She made to close her textbooks and get up.

"No, you silly girl. Do you really think I could get Xander to sleep with me when I'm so cold and wet?" Anya furrowed her brows; she seemed to reconsider. "Hm, actually, maybe he…*atishoo*," she sneezed loudly, her upper body bending forwards violently.

"Bless you," Dawn said in a bored voice.

Having recovered from the sneezing fit, Anya looked at Dawn with wide eyes. "What was that?" she asked, horror-struck. 

"You sneezed. And - speaking of politeness – I might add that you sprayed some of it on Xander," Dawn replied, pointing at the little wet spot on Xander's back. 

"What does that mean? Wait a second, am I getting sick?" Anya still was looking very scared.

For one short moment, Dawn thought of scaring her further, but then changed her mind. She actually liked Anya, even though she could be a pain in the neck from time to time. And she presented a nice contrast to the seriousness and sternness Buffy radiated when she was with her sister. "Don't worry, you probably just caught a cold. It's nothing serious."

But Anya wasn't even listening anymore. Panicked, she paced the Magic Box, all the while muttering to herself. Every few minutes, she was seized by another sneezing fit that just managed to increase her pacing. Dawn watched her for a while and thought about trying to calm her down; but as Anya didn't take her seriously most of the time anyway, what were the odds that Dawn could convince her that she wasn't in mortal peril because of an ordinary cold?

Suddenly, Xander jerked awake. "No, not under the bed!" he yelled. Then, at Dawn's surprised look, he shook his head as if to clear it from the remnants of some terrible dream, and looked slightly embarrassed. 

"Bad dream, huh?" Dawn asked, suppressing a grin.

"Almost as bad as the one with the supermarket and the nudity." Trying to remember the details of the dream, Xander's eyes widened in horror. "Mom insisted on searching the basement to find some of my collection of magazines… and I realize that I shouldn't tell this story to someone who has a very protective sister with superpowers."

"Guilty conscience, huh?" Dawn smirked, very much aware that she sounded like a typical bratty teenager with her questioning.

But Xander ignored her, probably to prevent himself from giving her further details about how lonely nights in his basement looked like. Furrowing his brows in suspicion, he suddenly put one arm on his back, searching for something, and then let out a high-pitched scream. "What the –" He seemed too disgusted to form coherent sentences. 

Seeing that Xander was finally awake, Anya interrupted her pacing and came back to the table. "Oh Xander, you are such an insensitive boyfriend! If I still had my powers, I would already have ripped off your ears so that everything I told you could find its way into your brain more easily! You never listen to me! I'm dying, and you don't even care…" The rest of Anya's tirade wasn't audible because of her hysterical sobs. 

"Well, thank you for that nice torture scenario, Ahn. But before you kindly explain what I've done wrong this time, let's first deal with the problem at hand: what the heck is that icky wet spot on my back?"

Dawn's grin widened and said in a very precocious tone, "Actually, your problems are interrelated. You see, Xander, Anya's experiencing her first cold and sneezed on your back." As if to confirm this information, Anya gave one more hearty *atishoo*.

"What did you do that for, Ahn?" Xander asked brusquely. He sighed deeply, then went on, "I mean, I've really put up with a lot of things since we became a couple. I've tried to ignore your past, I've let you embarrass me in front of my friends, I've had a whole lot of trouble _understanding_ your way of thinking, and this is what I get? Right, nothing says 'thank you' like snot on your clothing," he said in voice that dripped with sarcasm. Then he reconsidered. "Wait a sec, you don't even get that my last statement was sarcastic, do you? Let me explain: It's very icky to sneeze on somebody and especially if it's your boyfriend! And it's totally unfair to blame me for not listening while I was _asleep_!" He almost shouted the last word.

Dawn and Anya were looking at him incredulously. Xander had always tried to help Anya improve her manners by pointing out her mistakes very gently; never had he been so… direct. 

The girls' silence gave Xander time to look at Anya properly. Her dress was still soaking wet and clung to her body, accentuating her curves. She looks very appealing, he thought. "But I have to admit you look very appealing, darling," he said in a voice sweet like honey. "We could ask Buffy and Giles if they would clear out of the training room, so that we can have hot and steamy sex," he beamed, delighted with his idea. 

Dawn looked even more shocked than before and immediately put her hands over her ears. But even with her ears shut, she could hear Buffy, who had just entered, shouting, "What the heck is going on hear? Nobody will have s-e-x or anything of that sort in my training room! And Xander, since when do you think it's okay to talk about…," she hesitated, looking at Dawn, "…er… adult business in front of Dawn?"

Xander, however, seemed unrepentant and smiled evilly. 

TBC….

So, is Xander the only victim of this weird disease? Or will the other Scoobies be infected, too? Find out next time!

Please review!


	2. Cut from the same cloth

Title: Nothing to sneeze at

Author: Hendiadys (hendiadys146@yahoo.com)

Rating: PG-13

Disclaimer: I don't own anything except a crappy computer and a weird fantasy

Spoilers: Nothing after Season 4

Summary: What if Anya's very direct way of speaking were suddenly very contagious? When all the Scoobies turn into Anyas, chaos insues. 

Feedback: Always appreciated! 

A/N: Thanks to spuffyfan22, kcl and FangfaceAndrea! Your kind reviews made me write much faster! Hope you'll like this part, too.

Chapter 2 – Cut from the same cloth

To say Buffy was surprised at Xander's reaction to her outburst was an understatement. "Why do you keep grinning like a madman?" she asked him. 

Xander leered at her. "Well, let's just say that I can't help noticing that you're quite a treat for the eyes, Buffy, in that sweaty and skimpy outfit of yours…"

Then, several things happened at once. Buffy, going wide-eyed, shouted "Giles!" at the top of her lungs, Anya gave a shocked *atishoo*, and Dawn got up hastily to get away from the womanizer that was Xander. 

"What? Can't I just say what's on my…," Xander tried to defend himself, but was interrupted by Anya, who was furiously raining her fists on his back. 

"Bastard! I knew it! You've always been after Buffy, you jerk! You think she's sexier than me, don't you?" 

"Ow! Stop that!" When she paused in her attack for one moment, Xander had the chance to say, "I don't think she's sexier. Actually, the sexiness of both of you combined would be quite the event…"

"Ew!" Buffy and Dawn shouted in unison. 

But Anya furrowed her brow pensively and seemed to consider her boyfriend's suggestion. "Hm, she is rather shapely…"

"Don't you dare finish this thought, Anya!" Buffy said menacingly. "Giles! We need you here, this is clearly an emergency!" she yelled once more.

"What's all the shouting about?" asked Giles, entering the main room. 

"I think Xander's being possessed again!" Buffy replied, "Xander, have you been to the Zoo lately? Any encounters with hyenas of some sort?"

"No, I haven't. And it's just so typical of you to hold that hyena incident against me! You will never forget that, will you? That's so unfair," he mumbled grumpily. 

"Xander's got a point, Buffy!" Dawn chimed in all of a sudden. "You are allowed to make mistakes, but others aren't, right? And if I do something wrong, say, smoke a little cigarette after school, it's always: 'Dawn's been such a bad girl, Mom!'," she imitated Buffy with an exaggeratedly shrill voice.

"You smoke?" Buffy asked incredulously.

Giles put a hand on her shoulder. It looked like a soothing gesture, but actually he wanted to be ready to restrain Buffy if she decided that smoking was reason enough to strangle Dawn. "I don't think that the fact whether Dawn smokes or not should be a priority now, Buffy…!"

"That figures! Now it's: 'Dawn's not so important; she's just a kid anyway. Let's rather help Anya get rid of her life-threatening cold'," Dawn said, only managing a very poor imitation of Giles's British accent.

Between two loud sneezes, Anya took the opportunity to say, "Yes! Dawn's right. We absolutely have to find a cure for this dangerous human disease I seem to have!" 

Xander rolled his eyes. "Ahn – just a suggestion: SARCASM!" he spat, "Go look it up! There are so many numbingly boring books in this shop anyway; it shouldn't be a problem to find a dictionary. And try to do it before Giles has to close the Magic box, since no-one ever buys anything here anyway."

"Hey! That's not true at all. Well, there have been very few customers this week, but the opening was a huge success, mind you!" Giles said indignantly.

Xander gave a derisive snort and yelled, "Yeah, but that was only because there were special prices that day. Otherwise nobody in their right mind would spent money on the ridiculous stuff you're selling!" 

Dawn seemed to have accepted that the conversation didn't revolve around her anymore and scoffed, "Or maybe the customers just can't stand your stiff British manners!"

"Hey!" Too surprised about the unexpected attack, Giles wasn't able to express himself in complete sentences anymore.

Buffy, who had been like paralysed since Dawn's remark about cigarettes and had only been standing there, watching the exchange, came back to her senses. "Stop! All of you!" she shouted, and when there was finally a moment of silence, she said, "Giles, I really need you to stay calm and help me figure out this thing! There's something seriously wrong with Dawn and Xander."

"But what about me?" asked Anya insistently, "I'm the one who's sick, after all!"

"My, my, aren't we self-centred again," Xander muttered, shaking his head disbelievingly. "Not everything's about you, you know. Just because you get to be so selfish in bed, it doesn't mean my friends have to put you first, too!"

"Oh, come one, you're no less selfish than Anya, Xander! Actually, all of you don't ever do anything else than discuss your own problems. No-one ever wants to know about my issues," Dawn whined, "I mean, I do anything I can to get some attention, but nothing works! I tried smoking, but evidently that's not enough. What does it take? Shoplifting?"

While the heated discussion continued, Buffy took Giles aside to talk to him without being interrupted. "Giles, this is definitely not the usual bickering between friends. I don't think they're possessed. They seem to be themselves, only kinda less… restrained."

"I agree that something is amiss, Buffy. Maybe they have been put under a spell of some kind."

"Yeah, maybe. I think I'll go on patrol, check Willie's and the other demon haunts. If there's a new baddie in town, all the demons will talk about it. And kicking some demon ass will help me let off some steam," Buffy said, grinning.

Giles didn't smile back. "Oh, but we should first check some books and research spells that can make people lose their inhibitions, don't you think? And – as Xander kindly pointed out – there's a huge variety of books here in the Magic Box. You'd better stay and help me; the other three will be of no use, anyway."

"But Giles," Buffy said impatiently, "you know I'm not good with the research stuff. Call Willow and Tara; they know more about magic than me, anyway." She turned to leave, but Giles gripped her arm to stop her.

"You know what, I'm really tired of your running away as soon as there is some research to be done. I'm still your watcher, even if only unofficially, and I've acted as your surrogate father for more than four years now and I deserve some more respect!" Giles burst out. 

The expression on Buffy's face turned serious. "Giles," she said softly, "what you just said tells me that this is really an emergency. Stay with the others and consult your books." Already walking swiftly towards the door, she added, "And tell Willow and Tara to come and help you!"

"But I don't want to," yelled Giles after her, "as soon as they're here, they only flirt and play footsie under the table and do other indecent things. It always makes me very nervous."

Buffy had already left, though. The rest had obviously heard him very well, and Xander said, sniggering, "Ooh, makes you nervous, huh? Or makes you horny?"

"Ew, Xander, stop it, that's just so gross!" Dawn said, grimacing in disgust. "Giles is too old to have sex anyway, isn't he? And two women at once would probably give him a heart attack!"

"I think Giles is actually quite attractive," mumbled Anya through her stuffed up nose. "If Xander didn't mind some male competition, I'd surely try to get Giles to sleep with me and convince me of his sexual prowess."

Giles cleared his throat and tried in vain to suppress a pleased smile. "Thank you, Anya. The three of you, try to behave while I make a phone call."

Dawn, Xander and Anya seemed to have followed Giles's order because there was only silence coming from the main room when Giles dialled. Still sniggering softly, they heard Giles talk to Willow on the phone.

"Yes, Willow, it's me, Giles. Would you mind coming to the Magic Box immediately? And please bring your lesbian girlfriend."

TBC…

Oh dear, Giles is quite the prude, isn't he? And Buffy still seems to be immune to the sickness that is making Dawn and Xander act so weird, but will that last? 

And what will be revealed about Spike's inner thoughts and desires when he's affected by this strange virus?

Yeah, next time, there will be Spikey goodness!

Please review and tell me what you think!


	3. Chickens come home to roost

To Sydney (and please, leave your email address next time!): I appreciate your review because you seem to have spent quite a while thinking about my story. But please, don't take this fic too seriously, it's only meant to be entertaining. 

Just some remarks:

- Anya is one of my favourite characters, I would never bash her

- As I pointed out in the first chapter, the story takes place in early Season 5, after "Buffy vs. Dracula" or even more appropriately, after "Real Me", that means: Giles has just bought the Magic Box, but Anya doesn't work there yet. I think Anya still **_is _**self-centred, shallow and sex-obsessed at this point. I agree that her character develops in S 5, but not until mid-Season or so.

- And anyway, if she weren't one-dimensional in this fic, there wouldn't even be a point to this fic, would there? I mean, the story is about her most distinctive character trait (being very frank and direct) and the way the other Scoobies behave when being "infected" with it!

But let's skip the pleasantries… on with story.

Chapter 3 – Chickens come home to roost

When Willow and Tara entered the Magic Box, they were confronted by the most unusual sight: Dawn was sitting on the floor, books strewn around her. A heavy-looking tome was lying in her lap and she seemed to be reading it very thoroughly. When Willow approached the girl, she could see that the books weren't textbooks as she had suspected. 

"Dawnie, what are you doing with Giles's spell books? Some of them could be dangerous, you know!" Willow exclaimed in surprise. 

But Dawn didn't even look up, but started humming some tune all of a sudden.

Tara, who had joined Willow, tried another approach to get Dawn's attention. "Sweetie, I don't think Giles and Buffy would be very happy if…," she started, but couldn't finish her sentence because Dawn's humming had reached a volume that drowned Tara's voice. 

"I can't hear you, la la la, you're not even here, dumdeedum," Dawn sing-songed, putting her fingers into her ears.

Willow became angry. "Stop that!" she yelled in order to be heard over Dawn's singing. But Dawn seemed to find it very amusing to ignore the two witches. Willow sighed, and with grin, looked at Tara, who grinned back mischievously. She had immediately gotten Willow's message. There was one thing that always worked to break through Dawn's teenage stubbornness: tickling.

So they both attacked Dawn's ribcage with their hands. The girl was forced to take her fingers out of her ears to defend herself, and instead of singing, she was now giggling helplessly. But Willow and Tara hadn't quite expected her reaction as soon as they stopped tickling her. Dawn looked furious.

"That's so unfair! Isn't it enough that you can do magic and I can't? Do you also have to take advantage of my weaknesses?" she hissed. "And honestly, tickling? How lame is that?" She rolled her eyes to emphasize her point. 

"O-kay", Willow said slowly, in a voice that clearly said: 'I don't know what the hell's wrong with you, but I think I'll just move away slowly and cautiously'.

Since talking to Dawn seemed to be quite the unrewarding affair, Willow whispered to Tara instead, "This is really strange. Buffy wouldn't have let Dawn alone in the Magic Box. And where's Giles anyway?"

Before Tara could say something, Dawn yelled, "He's acting like a prima donna again!" and pointed towards the counter.

And, indeed, Giles just looked like a typical sulking teenager. He had obviously taken a chair and put it behind the counter; now he sat there, his arms crossed in front of his chest and wore a very sullen expression.

They cautiously approached him. 

"Er… Mr Giles?" Tara ventured.

"Would you mind? I'm having a sulk here!" Giles said angrily.

"Yeah, we guessed that much. But why?" Willow asked.

But Giles didn't seem to really answer her, but rather muttered to himself, "Nobody treats me with the respect I deserve. These bloody colonials are all ill-bred pillocks. In England, adolescents at least know to behave properly in presence of adults."

Willow tried to interrupt his rant and said, "That's not what you told us to come here for, is it? 'Cause, you know, when you called we were just…"

"No! I don't want to hear about any indecencies!" Giles said authoritatively, standing up in outrage.

"… preparing for an exam", Willow finished her sentence. "Giles, get your mind out of the gutter!" But the ex-librarian was already heading toward the bookshelves, presumably to get the bottle of Scotch he always hid behind a particularly large and uninteresting looking book.

Suddenly the door to the training room opened and Xander and Anya emerged. It was evident that they had made a temporary truce – Xander was buttoning up his shirt, while Anya was trying to straighten her dress, which looked fairly rumpled. 

"What've you been doing?" Willow asked, but her expression showed quite clearly that she already knew the answer.

"We've just had sex," Anya supplied.

Xander added, "On the horse. And, you know, hon", he said proudly to Anya, "I think your sneezing in irregular intervals put a whole new dimension to it!"

"Huh?" Willow looked at Tara, hoping she might supply an explanation for Xander's weird remark.

"Maybe she's allergic to something", suggested Tara helpfully.

Willow gave her an exasperated look. "That is so not the point, sweetie! Don't you see that Xander's talking like Anya? Wait a sec… I remember something… an aspect of the demon…"

But just then, the front door was opened with a loud bang. Buffy entered, dragging a very pissed-off looking Spike after her. Both of them were soaking wet. Spike's hair had curled up from the wetness, making him look rather cute and clashing horribly with the expression of anger on his face. He was holding his nose with one hand and trying to smooth his hair with other, though without much success. 

"Look what I found lurking around the corner!" Buffy announced, shoving Spike to the table and sitting him down forcefully onto one of the chairs.

"Bloody hell, woman, what did you have to hit me on the nose for? I told you I'd give you information in exchange for cash!"

"Oh come on, spoilsport, everyone deserves to have some fun during their job!" she answered, obviously incredulous that Spike grudged her one of her life's few pleasures.

Spike raised his eyebrows in surprise at Buffy's answer. It was just too… honest.

"Why did you bring the evil undead here? I thought Giles and Dawn were emitting enough bad vibrations to poison the atmosphere in this room," Xander said scathingly.

"Shut up!" Giles and Dawn yelled in unison, interrupting their respective activities: Dawn was browsing through "Darkest Magick" and evidently taking notes on a piece of paper, while Giles was sitting on the floor, leaning against one of the bookshelves and nursing his bottle of Scotch.

Ignoring their interjection, Buffy answered, "I figured if someone knew who was wreaking havoc in Sunnydale again, it would be Spike. It's always like that", she added, shrugging casually.

"Actually, Buffy, I've got a theory what could be causing this. Do you remember when…" Willow began, but the Slayer seemed to have other things on her mind.

She sat down next to the vampire and gave him an intense, scrutinizing look. "You know, Spike, there's something I've wanted to ask you for ages…"

Tbc…

What has Buffy been wondering secretly about Spike? And does Willow hold the key to all this confusion? Any guesses?

Find out next time! And *clears throat* I just want to mention that reviews turn out to be quite the inspiration for me…


	4. Knock me over with a feather

Chapter 4 – Knock me over with a feather

Spike couldn't help but raise his eyebrows again, in amazement at the Slayer's almost friendly tone. But he wouldn't be fooled by her fake politeness!

He replied, with all the grumpiness he could muster, "What, Slayer?"

But before Buffy could answer, their little conversation was rudely interrupted by Giles, who yelled with an unusually whiny voice, "I cannot believe you take a sudden interest in the vampire, while your watcher is not feeling well at! You could really show some consideration for me!"

Annoyed, Buffy looked over her shoulder at him and said, "Don't be such a baby, Giles." And, to Spike, "Don't you think that after all this time we've been fighting, it's high time we got to know each other better? I mean, we both know that one of us could have killed the other if we'd been really serious about it. But somehow…," Buffy grimaced, evidently thinking very hard, "somehow we don't really _mean_ to kill each other, do we?"

"Is this your idea of a joke, Slayer?" Spike asked, outraged. "Make fun of the former big bad, laugh about him because he's harmless?" He stood up abruptly, knocking his chair over. "Well, bugger this." And with that, he headed for the front door. 

Surprisingly, it was Anya who stopped him. "Oh come on, Spike, don't let her get to you. She's had to deal with a lot of sexual frustration since she's dating Riley, you know."

"What?" Spike asked.

"Well, I think she's trying to compensate her dissatisfaction by mocking other people. And I just wanted to express some ex-demon-solidarity," Anya continued with a friendly smile.

Spike made a disgusted face. "I don't want you to patronize me, you silly bint." And when he realized what Anya had actually said, he added indignantly, "Besides, I am _not_ an ex-demon!"

Tara, inwardly groaning at all those pointless conversations, joined Spike, who was standing near the door now. "No, Spike, you're not. But I think Anya means well and just wanted to support you…," she said, sympathy written all over her face.

Instead of a agreeing verbally, Anya took a deep breath, screwed up her face and sneezed. Unfortunately, she didn't bother to turn away from the people she had been talking to.

While Tara just looked down at herself in resignation, trying to discreetly wipe at her clothes, Spike jumped to the side in a not-very-big bad-like way and yelled, "Watch where you're sneezing!"

Before Anya could reply once more in her newly acquired language and thus make the people around her even angrier, Buffy procured a handkerchief for her and rushed to her side. "Use a hanky next time, ok? I don't want you to ruin Spike's duster," she said, in a very serious tone. 

Spike, who was trying to dry said duster with the nearby curtains, froze in mid-movement. Then he broke into the first genuinely pleased grin the Scoobies had ever witnessed on him. "Why, Buffy, thanks for your concern. I didn't know you cared…"

Buffy gave an indulgent smile in return and said, "You're welcome. You know, I figured you just wouldn't be the same without your trademark duster. Which, by the way, tends to accentuate your lithe yet well-muscled frame." With that, she left the trio at the door and headed for the bookshelves, presumably to talk to her watcher.

Flabbergasted, Spike turned to Tara. "Have you just heard what I've heard? Did the Slayer say I was 'lithe yet well-muscled'?"

Tara nodded. "Yes, that's exactly what she said. And, let's face it, she's absolutely right," she said, grinning lewdly.

"But I thought," Spike stuttered, "that you weren't interested in that kind of male company…"

"No!" Willow shrieked suddenly, grabbing Tara's arm possessively, "I mean, yes, she's not … interested in _any_ kind of male company." She rolled her eyes, exasperated. "Tara's gay, remember? So don't you dare hit on her!" Menacingly, she pointed a finger at Spike, who raised his hands to communicate that he meant no harm.

"Oh come one, Will, don't worry about him stealing your honey," Xander chimed in acidly, "As if someone with more than two brain cells would willingly touch bloodbreath here. He literally has a face only a mother could love, and I bet the first thing he did after he became a vampire was to eat his mum."

Xander's little speech was greeted by stunned silence. Then, Giles began to giggle like a maniac, making the others stare at him. 

"Thank you for that, Xander, you really cheered me up a little," he chuckled. 

Buffy gave him a reproachful glare, which shut him up. To Xander, she said, "That was really mean, Xander. You should apologize to Spike." Seeing in Xander's face that no power on earth could make him do as she'd asked, she went to Spike herself and laid a soothing hand on his arm.

Spike's distressed expression cleared a little at that, and he put his own hand on Buffy's. "That actually hurt a lot," he said to Xander. "I really don't understand why you have to insult me all the time."

Sighing, Buffy slipped her arm through Spike's and said reassuringly, "Don't be too hard on Xander. He had a very disturbing childhood. And if he were able to admit it to himself, he'd realize that his aggressive reaction towards you are the result of all the repressed jealousy he feels."

In response to her support, Spike cradled her closer gratefully. 

"What?" Xander asked incredulously, "Why the hell should I be jealous of Spike? And why are you suddenly so kissy-feely with the evil undead?"

Annoyed, Buffy let go of Spike and strode purposefully towards the table, where Xander was still sitting. He looked somewhat apprehensive because of her strangely controlled reaction. But Buffy only sat down next to him and said haughtily, "In answer to your first question: You know as well as I do that, objectively speaking, Spike is a lot sexier than you. I mean, look at his hair!" At that, she cast a kind of dreamy look in Spike's direction. "I even doubt it's appropriate to apply the term 'hair' to the mop you're wearing on _your_ head. And, apart from the fact that it's none of your business with who I decide to get 'kissy-feely', I was just lending Spike some moral support."

Xander stood up from the table furiously. "Ok, right, you can do what you want, but what the hell's wrong with my hair?"

But a piercing scream prevented Buffy from replying. 

"Ahhhhh! Could you all just shut the _fuck_ up! Are you guys blind? Don't you see what's happening?" Willow looked as if she were about to tear at her hair in desperation. "I know exactly whose fault –"

But she suddenly found herself trapped in a bone-crushing hug, performed by none other than Anya. When she managed to loosen her attacker's vise-like grip on her a little, Willow asked, "What's that supposed to mean now?"

"I just want to lend you_ my_ moral support!" Anya answered, her voice full of sympathy.

"Get away from me, you vicious distributor of germs! This is all your fault, anyway." Willow succeeded in getting away from Anya and added imperiously, "Now, everybody sit down immediately, and let me explain."

Intimidated, everyone did as they were told.

Tbc

Are you guys still reading this? Then help me a little: How should I continue this story?

Please choose one of the following answers:

a.) I want to read more Buffy/Spike

b.) I want to read more Anya

c.) I want to read more Scooby-interaction

d.) I want to read just one more chapter, that's all I can take

e.) I don't want to go on reading, this is the crappiest story I've ever read

Ok, here's hoping nobody chooses e.) … 

No, seriously, tell me what you think. I'm not even sure I want to finish this fic.

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	5. The truth will set you free

Sorry for the delay!

I was so encouraged by all those nice reviews. Thanks to Andi, Kay, Jessica (aww, that was so kind!), Harm Marie, Kathryn, mabby, SilverRain4, Kathleen (that's the nicest compliment one can get, I think!), Stef (yummy, whipped cream on Spikey ;-)), magikangel13 (yeah, you were right with your 'earshot'-guess!), he he, gip! (plenty of Anya in this chapter!), JnR 4eva (hope you continue giggling!), Jenny, duj, Culf, fangface Andrea, Samaelle, Loki and thayett.

Um… most of you wanted more S/B, which I can totally understand cause I'm a hopeless shipper, too. Unfortunately, there'll be no S/B in this chapter, and I honestly don't know if I can manage to get them together in some way later on without making them even more ooc as they are now… We'll see.

But I'm really having fun writing this, and as long as you're having fun reading this, I'll be happy! 

And the silliness continues…

Chapter 5 – The truth will set you free

Willow could really be scary if she chose to. She rarely ever raised her voice at all, and this sudden yelling and swearing was very atypical and reason enough for all of them to gather around the table and be quiet.

"Er… maybe I should use my authoritative voice more often…," Willow muttered, astonished at their immediate obedience. Searching for some kind of reassurance, she looked at Tara, who was wetting her lips with her tongue in a very distracting way.

"Yeah, darling, you really should. You know it makes me all hot and bothered when you assert your dominance," Tara said huskily.

Patches of red were gradually forming in Willow's face, partly due to the unpleasant task ahead, namely to explain her theories on what caused all of them to behave so strangely, and partly because of Tara's unusually self-confident way of expressing her feelings towards her girlfriend. Willow was used to Tara being quite creative and straightforward when they were alone, but this was clearly different.

"Hello?" An irritated voice interrupted Willow's thoughts. "Do you expect us to sit here and wait until you're done daydreaming? I've really got better things to do than watching two women stare at each other dreamily while I don't get any," Xander complained. 

Giles glanced at Xander incredulously. "Frankly, I don't understand how you manage to think about nothing other than the various physical experiences you would like to have," he began, slurring just a little bit due to the scotch he had already consumed. "When I was your age and had to get rid of all that restless energy that seems to drive you to molest every female you spot, I thought of other opportunities to achieve that goal. I indulged in sports, and, admittedly, in some demon-conjuring. But I can't recommend the latter, as it tends to cause problems that have unexpectedly wide-spread consequences…" Giles didn't really address Xander anymore, but was rather rambling to himself. 

Spike cackled, and buried his head in his hands for a few moments. When he had apparently recovered, he said with a nasty smirk on his face, "Well, we could all have guessed that part of Giles's personality had been shaped by the lack of certain 'physical experiences'," there he made air-quotes, "In his youth, but to hear him admit it…" 

Their bickering was interrupted by a booming eerie voice which seemed to echo through the whole room. 

"By the wrath of Belzebub! If thou do not keep silence now, I shall take thee with me into the darkest depths of my kingdom, where thou shall suffer torments thy little mind cannot begin to comprehend!"

Startled by that sudden outburst, all of their heads turned into the direction the voice had come from, and they froze. Dawn seemed to be floating about two feet above the ground, her arms outstretched, her hair billowing behind her as though stirred by an invisible wind and her eyes rolled so far into the back of her head that only the whites were visible.

Xander was the first to react and now it was his turn to roll his eyes. "Taking part in a Reagan-lookalike-contest, Dawn? Couldn't think of something even more unoriginal, could you?"

Spike, who apparently felt that Dawn had addressed him, stood up angrily and raised his head to talk to her in a voice which was somewhat less menacing than he had intended it to be, "You talking to me? Helping your sister humiliate me, are you. Well, sod that. I've been to hell already, thank you very much, and you can't intimidate me in the slightest with threats of sending me in some teenager-hell. What's that supposed to look like, anyway?" he provoked, "All diaries with hearts on them and rooms decorated in pink plush, smelling of flowers?"

"Yeah, whatever, let's turn back to the problem at hand, shall we? But I appreciate the effort, Dawn," said Willow, giving the unhinged-looking Dawn a grateful smile. To Tara and Buffy, who were busy pulling Dawn back onto her chair, she said, "And as soon as we're all ready, I can finally say what I've been wanting to say for almost an hour!" At those last words, she had to restrain herself from shouting again; the whole situation was visibly grating on her.

"Honey, you shouldn't keep experimenting with 'Darkest Magick'," Tara said reproachfully to Dawn, whose eyes had at last rolled back into their usual position. But the starry-eyed look she sported now wasn't really a huge improvement to the demented expression she had worn before.

Feeling that she had to add her two cents, Anya said with an earnest voice, "Yes, Dawn, that greenish complexion doesn't fit very well to your otherwise youthfully attractive appearance!"

"Now that we've solved all the most urgent problems," Willow began, looking piercingly at each of them in turn, daring them to say something else, "Let me explain. Buffy, do you remember when, about two years ago, you had that fight with that demon and got some of his goo on your hand?" Buffy replied with an irritated expression on her face that simply said 'duh'. Realizing how stupid she must have sounded just now, Willow elaborated.

"I mean that incident with the psychic demons, you know? When one aspect of the demon was transferred to you?" At Buffy's nod, Willow continued, "I don't really know how I thought of this theory, but it's the only one we've got at the moment, so it'll have to do for now." She cleared her throat, preparing for the somewhat complicated and admittedly far-fetched idea she was about to explain. "Well, technically, Anya's not a demon anymore. But none of us can argue that, in certain respects, she has kept some of her demonical qualities." Giles hiccupped, as though to agree with Willow's statement, raised the bottle he was still clutching and mumbled something that sounded like "Cheers to that!"

Ignoring him, Willow searched for signs of dawning comprehension in the faces of her audience. Unsurprisingly, she found none. Sighing, she went on, "So, Buffy got the mind-reading abilities of the whatchamacallit-demon because she got in contact with his bodily fluids, right? Now Anya's got the first cold of her human life and is distributing generous amounts of _her_ bodily fluids among us!" The only reaction she got were some pairs of furrowed eyebrows, bored looks and Dawn's inhumanly evil expression.

After a beat, Anya exclaimed indignantly, "I don't exchange bodily fluids with anyone but my Xander!" She grabbed possessively at her fiancé's arm.

Exasperated, Willow yelled, "Goddess! Has Anya's virus also affected your brains? Ok, I'll try to speak very slowly: Anya has quite a direct and uninhibited way with words, hasn't she? And now that all of you have come in contact with her _snot_," that earned her a hearty "ew" from Buffy and Tara, "You also say what's on your minds without thinking!"

Another moment passed in silence, then Anya said, grinning proudly, "Hey, that's actually kinda… nice!" 

Tbc

All right, the next chapter will probably be the last one before everything slowly returns back to normal. So, is there anything special you'd REALLY like to see happen? Like, Giles running around the Magic Box in just his Y-fronts? (no, that's not gonna happen! :-) )

I've got my own ideas about that, of course, but I'm curious about your suggestions.

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